Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers
by jamc91
Summary: A very weird fanfic that somehow popped into my head after my computer refused to load properly. Chapters will be updated fairly frequently. Read if you like pointless humor, if you know what I mean.
1. Prologue: Meet the Cousins

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters do not belong to me. It belongs to J.K. Rowling. Over.  
  
The plot belongs to meeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~*HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS*~  
  
PROLOGUE: MEET THE COUSINS  
  
It was a fine, hot sunny day in the village of Little Whinging, Surrey. The recent drought was over and the inhabitants of Little Whinging could finally return to their usual pastimes, such as washing the car and watering the flowers.  
However, there was one place that showed no person tending to their precious flowerbeds. This house was 4 Privet Drive.  
Why was there no one spying on the neighbours? Why was there no one boasting about their brand-new company car? Why were there no sounds of computer games coming from the upstairs window of 4 Privet Drive?  
The residents had gone to the mall.  
Duh!  
Except for one.  
This one person moping about at 4 Privet Drive was Harry Potter.  
Now, it is a commonly known fact that the annoying, boastful, annoying, will-you-please-go-to-heck, annoying, and...annoying Dursley family lives at 4 Privet Drive. Why was this 'Potter' person there?  
Harry Potter was Dudley Dursley's cousin, that's why. Obviously. You already knew that, right?  
Oh, right, and he's a wizard, and he attends Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.. You might wonder what's worth mentioning about that. I mean, everybody's a wizard in his own way, right?  
No, duh. You idiot! Of course they aren't! Well, maybe they are in their imagination, but that doesn't count.  
Hogwarts has four houses: Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff. Harry is in Gryffindor. (A/N: I forgot to mention, this is Harry's sixth year.) Up in his bedroom, Harry flopped onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillow and tested to see how long he could hold his breath. He had been confined to doing stupid activities such as this, following a stage of depression since his godfather, Sirius, had died. He had hoped, no, he KNEW, that Sirius would come back as a ghost at the very least. He still couldn't figure out what was so dangerous about that veil. Well, he knew if someone fell behind it, it would kill the person, but that's just about all he knew about it. Let the resident Gryffindor ghost, Nearly Headless Nick, think that Sirius won't come back. He'll see he's been wrong when Sirius comes back. Downstairs, a key turned in the lock of the front door. The Dursleys were home. Dudley crashed up the stairs. 'GIVE ME THAT BACK!' Dudley yelled at someone. Probably it was Harry's second cousin thrice removed, Jamie, who had a special permit and could therefore ignore the Statute of Secrecy and the no-magic-for-under-seventeen-year-olds thing. AND she could perform wandless magic. (A/N: Who just happens to be me. Putting myself into my own fic seems fun. Heh. I'm going to write about myself in the third person here.) 'Make me!' Jamie screamed back.  
'GIVE ME MY BROADBAND INTERNET CONNECTION BACK, OR I'LL . . .' Dudley's voice faltered. He knew about the special permit, so what the heck could he do? He couldn't take away her wand, because she didn't need one and therefore didn't have one.  
'Or you'll do WHAT?' Jamie taunted. 'Oh my gosh, are you going to tell on me? Whatever shall I do? I'm in so much trouble now!' she said, and laughed.  
In his bedroom, Harry grinned. Life was never dull with Jamie around. Harry suddenly realised something and sat up. Jamie knew all spells invented, AND she could make up spells of her own! So she could make Sirius come back from behind the veil! Another voice from downstairs interrupted his thoughts.  
'Hey, don't forget me!' cried a voice. Harry recognised the voice, as it belonged to Jamie's friend, Siân, who lived nearby, was around frequently, could also perform wandless magic, and had a special permit thingy.  
'Catch!' said Jamie, throwing the package to Sian (A/N: Sorry, but it's a bit of a bother to keep inserting the accent all the time. So I'm just going to ignore it here). Sian caught it and Apparated the very short distance to Harry's room. Jamie followed. 'Hey,' grinned Harry. 'Nice show,' he added.  
'Eh, it was nothing,' said Jamie, waving a hand. 'Wonder when Dud's going to come in?'  
'I'd say in about three seconds.' said Sian.  
Three seconds later, Dudley burst in, right on schedule. 'I WANT THAT BACK!' he shouted.  
Jamie and Sian looked at each, other, shrugged, and Sian threw the package to Dudley in such a way that he fell down the stairs trying to catch it. They heard him crash on the floor downstairs.  
'Cool.' said Jamie.  
  
A/N: I know, I really should get to work on my other fic. But this just popped up, and I can't think of a good way to continue it. So I'm just leaving it for a while, until I decide to either delete it (most probably not) or leave it until I can think of something. 


	2. Chapter One: What IS it?

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Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers

(A/N: I rated this fic PG because, well, Sian yes she is a real person wants to write a few chapters and she might put in some mild swearing. But, seeing as she hasn't gotten around to typing up the first chapter yet, this chapter will contain no swear words. At all. I'm sorry. Stay tuned for the second chapter, which Sian will doubtlessly forget to type up. I'm not a psychic, so _excuse_ me if my prediction turns out to be wrong.)

****

Disclaimer: Nothing you recognize belongs to me. You should know that by now. Sian belongs to herself. You should also know that, if you had read the author's note above. ¡¥All You Wanted' belongs to Michelle Branch. ¡¥The Second Summer of the Sisterhood' belongs to Ann Brashares and is the sequel to ¡¥The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants', which I might add, is quite a good book.

Chapter One: What IS that thing?

Harry, Jamie, and Sian looked at the kitchen table. Or, rather, the object on the kitchen table.

¡¥What _is_ it?' said Jamie, voicing the question all three of them had been thinking.

¡¥Looks like . . . a cake,' said Sian.

¡¥That is most definitely NOT a cake. And I should know. I see one every year.' said Harry.

Jamie looked at him curiously. ¡¥You do? I thought the Dursleys never did anything special for your birthdays.'

¡¥Did I ever say I saw MY cakes every year? No, what I _meant_ was I see one of Dudley's giant chocolate ice cream cakes every year. I never tasted one of them, though.'

¡¥I thought it was vanilla last year,' said Sian.

¡¥The store was out of chocolate,' explained Harry.

Suddenly, the thing moved. Jamie jumped and took a step back.

¡¥Um . . . I think I'll just go upstairs and try out Dud's new Broadband connection,' said Jamie, starting out of the kitchen.

¡¥Oh no you don't,' said Sian, grabbing Jamie's wrist. ¡¥You're going to find out what that thing is.'

¡¥Oh no I won't,' said Jamie, freeing her arm of Sian's grip.

¡¥Oh yes you will.'

¡¥Oh no I won't.'

¡¥Oh yes you will.'

¡¥Oh no I won't.'

Harry rolled his eyes.

Dudley rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the thing on the kitchen table, and ran back out. Harry followed him, curious as to what the thing was. Sian and Jamie stopped arguing and followed Harry.

In the garden, Dudley dumped the thing onto the grass in the garden and went back into the house.

Harry, Sian, and Jamie looked at each other, shrugged, and went back upstairs into Harry's room.

****

DOWNSTAIRS IN THE GARDEN

The thing turned out to be a box.

Two sticks wriggled out of the box, onto the front path, and onto the porch. They wormed their way into the house and up the stairs into Harry's room.

****

IN HARRY'S ROOM

¡¥I'm bored,' said Jamie.

The two sticks wriggled onto the carpet. Sian noticed them first.

The sticks stopped moving. Sian picked them up. She tossed one of them to Jamie. Jamie, of course, couldn't catch and the stick fell onto the floor. Jamie picked it up and waved it. Nothing happened.

Harry was watching this with no small amount of confusion.

Jamie and Sian tossed their sticks to each other. Then they waved them.

Red and gold sparkles flew out of the sticks.

¡¥Ooh, our new wands!' said Jamie finally.

¡¥I thought you didn't need wands,' said Harry, his confusion meter rising.

¡¥Not on Tuesdays, no,' explained Sian. ¡¥The rest of the time we do need them.'

¡¥Why did you need new wands?' asked Harry.

¡¥Lost them,' said Jamie casually, levitating Harry's trunk off the floor.

¡¥How the heck did they get in here?' said Harry.

¡¥I've been doing some reading,' said Sian. She held up a thin book, entitled Wands Through the Ages.

¡¥Is that my Quidditch Through the Ages book?!' cried Harry.

¡¥You're not looking carefully,' said Sian, waving the book in front of him. ¡¥It says, ¡¥Wands Through the Ages', and therefore probably has no reference to Quidditch inside.'

¡¥Anyway, I've found out that since 388 B.C., wands have been charmed by specialists to become agitated when away from their owners for too long. They will wriggle around like worms until they find their proper owner.'

Harry looked at his own wand.

¡¥I'm still bored,' complained Jamie, Stupefying an ant.

****

SEPTEMBER 1ST

Jamie and Sian had Disillusioned the three of them and their things so that no one would notice three kids walking around King's Cross station pushing three trolleys, each bearing a giant trunk and an owl in a cage. Hopefully they wouldn't bump into anyone.

They ran through the barrier and onto the platform. Jamie and Sian took off the Disillusionment Charms and levitated their trunks onto the train. Then they went to find Ron and Hermione.

They found Ron and Hermione in a compartment near the middle of the train. Hermione had her MP3 player out and was listening to ¡¥All You Wanted' by Michelle Branch. (A/N: At the time of typing this, I'm listening to that right now.) This they knew, because Hermione was humming along. Jamie sat down next to her, waved her wand, muttered something, and a pair of earphones appeared out of thin air. Jamie grabbed them, attached them to a spare port in Hermione's MP3 player, put them on, got a book out (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to be exact) and started reading. Sian sat down on Hermione's other side, got The Second Summer of the Sisterhood by Ann Brashares out, and began reading. Harry sat down next to Ron.

Nothing eventful happened on the train ride. (A/N: I don't have enough imagination to think of anything that could happen.)

****

AFTER THE SORTING

Dumbledore stood up and said, ¡¥I have an announcement to make, which some students here may understand.'

¡¥Lately, I have seen a computer in many Muggle homes. A computer is . . . (and he explained what a computer was). Many of those computers are equipped with something called the Internet (then he explained what the Internet was). So in order to provide more entertainment for those weekend nights, I have had a computer with an Internet connection installed in every dormitory.'

Some small cheers were heard. Most students were, however, looking at each other and Dumbledore, bewildered. Some, like the Slytherins, had grasped the fact that a ¡¥computer' and the ¡¥Internet' were Muggle things, and were therefore looking at their fellow housemates and Dumbledore in disgust.

Some things happened here . . . blah blah blah, then they went up to their dorms, and they all took turns on the computer, then they went to bed. Whee.

Nothing eventful happened for the rest of the night.

(A/N: Only two and half pages. Sorry! At least I updated!)


	3. Chapter Two: Shut Up, Malferret

Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers

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(A/N: Whee! Fast update!

Sian: Jamie … this is different * thinks back to Chinese class * or not

Jamie: Most of this chapter was dictated by Sian and typed by me, because I type a lot faster. Muahahahahahahaha.)

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Disclaimer: You all KNOW the stupid disclaimer I use every time, now shut up and read.

Oh, and the movie Freaky Friday doesn't belong to me, as I'm sure you all know.

Chapter Two: Shut up, Mal-Ferret

At six in the morning, Sian bounced out of bed. Predictably, no one else was up. Sian looked around the room and shuddered. Watching people sleep wasn't her favorite activity. It looked like corpses. Especially Jamie. Not so much that Jamie was a corpse, but more because she didn't DO anything in her sleep. Snore, grunt, peep, yell, no, she did NOTHING!

Sian stared at the corpse-like form of Jamie for about three seconds and decided she couldn't take it any more. She began to shake Jamie. Jamie just swore at her in French and swatted her face. Nursing a red handprint, Sian hit Jamie back. Jamie's only reaction was to burrow deeper into the covers. _(A/N: Jamie: I don't swear. I don't even KNOW any French swear words. Though maybe I do swear under extreme provocation or when I'm semi-conscious or maybe asleep. And I don't think I would swat her, but this is only my theory. I have no recollection of anything I do while I'm asleep. Except maybe a dream?)_

Sian remembered watching a movie and got a brainwave. Copying 'Freaky Friday', she lifted the duvet at Jamie's feet, grabbed her ankles, and began to pull. Jamie, semi-conscious, grabbed onto the two four-poster bed bedposts in front of her. Sian tugged harder and half of Jamie's body lifted off the bed. It was just like the movie!

One thing Sian hadn't counted on, however, was her grip being too strong and Jamie letting go.

Jamie held on.

Then she let go.

* WARNING … not entirely sure what it is but don't sue us! And DEFINITELY don't Mary-Sue us. *

__

(A/N: Jamie: Besides, I've had enough of Mary-Sues for a while, thank you very much.)

Jamie shot backwards and wheeled into Sian, her left foot deftly catching Sian in the diaphragm. Sian, winded, snapped forwards and knocked her head into the small of Jamie's back. They collapsed onto the red and gold carpet, which, expertly fluffed, was nice and soft. However, it did nothing to cushion their landing.

And all the girls in the Gryffindor sixth-year girls' dormitory woke to Jamie's scream of --

'FLOWER BRIDGE SIAN!!!' _(A/N: Sian: Say this in Cantonese to someone and I promise, they will be offended._

Jamie: Of course, this relies on the fact that they will have to understand English. Or at least know how to recognize when someone's swearing at them.)

'Stupid corpse,' Sian muttered.

Her only reply was a pillow over the head. _(A/N: Jamie: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

Sian: Okay … * edges away *)

Surprisingly, (very) none of the Gryffindor girls got out of bed. Sian swore she heard Hermione's unseemly mutter of, 'F***ing impossible time in the morning.'

Jamie rolled her eyes, already up. Girls set to work and made their beds. Then it was a fight for the bathroom until they realized that there were three. Idiots. _(A/N: Sian: Sad but true, that is what we are._

Jamie: I resent that remark! Speak for yourself.)

Stepping out at seven o' clock, crescent-fresh and surprisingly with all clothing on the right body parts, they walked down to the common room, ignoring Lavender's mutter of, 'But I d'wn wanna gudoo school.'

Sian looked at Jamie. Jamie blinked, then waved. Sian tried to strangle Jamie. Jamie dodged. _(A/N: Jamie: You know, those last four sentences remind me of a 'My First Picture Book' er … book.)_ There was laughter, then a silence. Then suddenly ---

'I'm bored!' whined Jamie.

Sian rolled her eyes. 'Wow, what a news flash Jamie.'

They stepped out of the portrait hole and said a bright 'hello' to all the portraits around them, making sure to smile and wave. They had planned this last night. There were portraits all over Hogwarts. Should push come to shove, their being polite to all the portraits they saw could come in handy. Filch might just find his hands full with all the portraits pointing in different directions, and getting lost might never be a problem. Then they paused, realizing that they had no idea how to get to the Great Hall. Sian turned to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

'Um … Miss?' queried Sian. She waited patiently for the reply.

'Oh how delightful, you two dears actually want to call me something other than that dreadful nickname!' The Fat Lady's reply was loud and boisterous, quite like her figure. 'My name is Ulla.'

Sian decided against voicing that she knew the name 'Ulla' meant 'to fill up' because that seemed like the last thing the woman needed. Instead she stepped on Jamie's foot. It was a risky thing, because it was very likely that once you stepped on Jamie's foot, a kick from her would find its way to your legs when you could least complain about it. However, Sian didn't trust her self to speak, just in case she blurted out the above-mentioned knowledge.

A pause.

Jamie kicked Sian back, glaring at her and making her message clear. The message was: 'I don't even know what Ulla MEANS, you idiot. You didn't have to step on me. And don't you dare kick me back.'

Sian glared right back and kicked her anyway. Hard.

Jamie started, 'Oh sh---,' remembered that this was a PG fic and she didn't swear, and cut herself off. She hopped on her well foot, clutching the other and glaring menacingly at Sian all the while. Sian decided to get the directions and make a speedy exit out of there.

'So … can you help us find the Great Hall, um … Ulla?'

Jamie, having finally absorbed the pain so it didn't hurt so much any more, swatted Sian's face again. Sian, not wanting to let this escalate into a giant catfight, let it go this time, since it was only a light swat. Not much pain. 

'Oh but of course my dears!' cried the Fa -- er, Ulla. 'How could I leave you stranded here?'

****

FIVE MINUTES AND THREE DIFFERENT SETS OF DIRECTIONS LATER

The girls set off determinedly, trying not to hold their opinion of Ulla against the other portraits.

About one hundred yards away from the Great Hall --

'So,' came a voice. 'It's the two transfers who think they can waltz in here and strut like the own the place.'

Sian and Jamie spun around and came face-to-face with Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy. 'What a way to start a morning,' Sian thought, conveniently forgetting that just a while ago, she had thought it impossible to start the day any worse than she had. In this form of deep contemplation however, Jamie said:

'Malfoy?'

'What?' he snapped.

'Did you know, it's a fact that when a bit of wood is poked into one's eye, it causes great pain and suffering to the victim?'

'Really?' he said interestedly.

'Really. Also --'

Jamie glanced at Sian. Sian had just tapped her on the back.

Sian grabbed her wand and held it up.

'Do you know what this is, Mal-ferret?'

'I -- WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?'

'It's called a wand,' said Sian, ignoring Malfoy's splutter of indignation. 'It can do very powerful and magical things. And did you know that I know how to do a lot of those very powerful and magical things?'

Malfoy had turned an interesting shade of puce. Sian and Jamie had only thought that stuff like this happened only in books, but it was true! People can turn purple! Cool.

Crabbe and Goyle just stared at the two of them stupidly.

'What the matter Malfoy, ferret got your tongue?' Jamie taunted, joining in, while a malicious -- and slightly manic -- grin spread across her face. Considering the fact that Malfoy had demonstrated that the colour purple can change to red VERY quickly, Sian whispered, 'Jamie, I'm having just as much fun as you are, but I think now would be a good time to back off. He hasn't said anything too offensive.'

Jamie opened her mouth to say something back but she got cut off --

'I never said you could talk back to your betters, you filthy little MUDBLOODS!'

Sian twitched. Jamie saw this, and began to slowly back away. Just a little, though. She knew what was going to happen next, but it made her crack up every time. She moved about two feet away, then stopped and watched with interest.

Sian stormed up to Malfoy and -- smiled? But a split second later the reason for the smile became apparent. Malfoy suddenly keeled over, emitting loud groans of agony. Sian's knee was poised in mid-air, in the exact place where Malfoy's crotch had been.

Jamie bit her lip, but it did nothing to ease the great bubble of laughter welling up inside her. Sian finally lowered her knee, glanced at Jamie, and covered her ears.

Jamie cracked up.

'AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!'

She collapsed to the floor, still overcome by her laughing fit.

****

THIRTY SECONDS LATER

Jamie's laughter was beginning to subside once she noticed that Malfoy's groans of agony were becoming less frequent. Suddenly she stopped, took one look at Malfoy's face, which was starting to turn red with anger, grabbed Sian, and ran.

To the general direction of the Great Hall. The directions they'd got from the portrait of Armando Dippet actually worked.

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(A/N: Better than last time. Three and three-quarter pages.)


	4. Chapter Three: Breakfast and Some Stuff

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Harry Potter and the Cursed Computers

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(A/N: Sian: Hola, mi amigas! I'm assuming you're all girls, because, well…I just assumed. And 'amigas and amigos' doesn't have the same ring to it. *grin*

Jamie: * blink*

Sian: Once again, this thingy is being dictated by me and typed by Jamie, who will sneak in her work one way or another

Jamie: DUH!)

****

Disclaimer: Shut up and read, you twits.

Chapter Three: Breakfast CAN take up half a chapter!

They strode into the Great Hall. There was nobody there. Except for the odd student serving early morning detention and the occasional menacing teacher. :cough: Professor McGonagall :cough:

Surprisingly, Snape wasn't there being menacing. Sian mentioned that he must have been washing his hair. Jamie tried not to choke on her laughter. She wasn't sure how someone could choke on their laughter, but she tried not to anyway.

They sat down at the table. They assumed it was a Gryffindor one. Personally, they thought that the giant lion banner was a great giveaway.

They stared at what was in front of them. There was sausages, bacon, toast, bread, a number of spreads, cereal, drinks, and porridge. 

Sian made Jamie eat porridge. Sian also ate porridge. Jamie whined about having to eat porridge. Sian rolled her eyes and said, 'Come on, Jamie, it's good for you. I know it's boring, dull, and uninspiring, but let's just pry up a spoonful and begin _building character!'_

Jamie stared at Sian. Sian grinned sheepishly and said, 'Well that's what Dad says anyway. Okay, you don't have to eat it.'

Jamie did anyway. She knew that Sian had the incredible ability to make people feel guilty for absolutely no reason at all. If Jamie didn't eat porridge, Sian would actually HAVE a reason to make her feel guilty. Can you spell 'Hell'? Besides, with about a gallon of honey, and two pints of milk, the thing was almost actually edible!

At eight o'clock, students were finally streaming into the Hall. However, Jamie and Sian were already finished. They sat there watching this great wave of students flood into the Great Hall. Suddenly, Snape appeared in the middle of the room. To put it lightly, he didn't exactly look luminous. In fact, he looked like he'd been poured into his clothes and forgotten to say when. His hair was normally limp and greasy in the books. Snape sported an Afro. _(A/N: Jamie: Whee!)_ His clothes were a bright pink and his nose was small. Jamie kicked Sian in the shin and whispered, 'It's not Snape, you idiot.'

Sian rolled her eyes. Jamie was looking at the wrong person. In fact, the Afro guy didn't exist. To be frank, Sian had thought that the combination of honey, milk, and disgusting porridge had finally done her in. That or the Afro really _did_ exist.

Snape's hair hung in greasy waves onto his shoulders. His nose was red; a very becoming colour as it matched his eyes. Sian and Jamie knew Snape was pale. This was unnatural. Milk looked grayer. And he wasn't wearing school robes. He was in a very obvious pair of blue and white pinstriped pyjamas. A teddy was also cradled in his arms. One of THOSE teddies. One of those sickeningly adorable teddies, which were probably, named something stupid like 'Sir Teddieums'. In short, the formidable Snape had caught a cold. Jamie and Sian looked at each other and ducked under the table. Jamie and Sian came up, gasping for air.

'I think I cracked a rib,' said Jamie.

'I think I cracked three,' said Sian.

They looked at each other and had to duck under the table again.

__

(A/N: Sian: For you sick perverted people, (you know who you are!) THEY ARE ONLY Laughing!!!!)

Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting there eating breakfast. Sian and Jamie stared at them, bored out of their wits. First class was – wait for it - … DIVINATION.

Oh, the wonderful class of Divination! And Professor Trelawney was SUCH a nice woman! Great teacher, too.

* Blurk *

Sorry, I had to do that. Anyway…

Sian and Jamie decided to get a head start in finding this unknown Tower. They bid their munching friends farewell and ducked as Ron accidentally sprayed them with food. Porridge with a mixture of sugar, strawberry jam, raspberry jam, honey, and milk, to be exact.

The slightly queasy friends began to walk and walk and walk. And walk some more. And they – guessed it – entered the trapdoor.

Sian tried to hold on to Jamie to stop herself from fainting. She knew the smell was overpowering, she didn't know it was THAT overpowering. The problem was, however, trying to hold on to Jamie (note: the operative word being 'trying'). Jamie would often dart out from under you, leaving you to crash to your doom.

Jamie darted out from under Sian.

Sian hovered there for a moment.

Then she crashed to her doom.

'Ow,'

'Oops,' said Jamie. 'Sor-ry!'

'Sorry my a – donkey,' said Sian. 'Something's lying on top of me.'

'What the fish?' said Jamie. 'Didn't YOU fall down?'

'Yeah, and something fell on top of me, you great fishing idiot,'

Jamie stuck her tongue out at Sian. For a moment she considered leaving Sian there. But her curiosity won out. 'What's on top of you?'

'If I knew,' said Sian, 'would I have said 'something' is on top of me? No, I would have said something like 'Hagrid's ancient cousin from Bermuda is on top of me,' not 'something'. Pay attention for a change.'

'Blah.' Said Jamie.

She climbed down the ladder, which took longer than it should have (she wanted to make Sian suffer), and to her great surprise, a giant of a man was on top of Sian. Sian couldn't see this. Her face was buried into the cold stone floor. The thing – the man – had wild, tangled black hair, a forest of a beard, and tiny black beetle eyes. He wore a wide-brimmed straw hat and Hawaiian clothes.

The thing stood up. I mean the man stood up. He was huge. He was about three or four times as wide as your average man and about two or three times as tall. He opened his mouth and said,

'Sorry about that. I'm Suebur, Rubeus's long-lost ancient cousin from Bermuda. I got a little lost.'

'This is not happening,' moaned Sian, who had got up and was staring in abject horror at the man in front of her. It wasn't that she had anything against giants with wide-brimmed straw hats and Hawaiian clothes. It was the fact that he was Hagrid's ancient cousin from Bermuda that had her gobsmacked.

'There, there,' said Jamie, albeit distractedly. 'Hagrid is in the school grounds.'

'How will I find him?' said Suebur.

'Trust me,' said Sian. 'You can't miss him. He makes a 'big' impression on people.'

Jamie snickered.

Once again, they crawled up the ladder. This time, Sian held her nose.


	5. Chapter Four: How to Turn On a Computer

~*HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS*~  
  
(A/N: I'm not sorry about not updating since March. It's not like anyone actually reads this fic.  
  
It's not even like anyone actually reads author's notes.  
  
So what's the point of typing author's notes anyway?  
  
Sian, the reason I'm not bothered to insert the accent is because it's annoying to keep clicking 'Insert, Symbol' and all that. And before you start telling me again that I should just go to AutoCorrect and change that, I can't. Every time I try to do that my screen goes dark and then it shows a blue screen which says something like 'An error has occurred in Windows, press any key to continue. If you press CTRL+ALT+DEL all unsaved information in programs running will be lost.' So I press a key but it keeps showing that screen, so I have no choice but to restart. And I can't even press CTRL+ALT+DEL; I have to press the restart button manually on the computer.  
  
That was a long paragraph.  
  
Anyway, here's chapter four.)  
  
~Disclaimer: I'm getting sick of typing disclaimers every chapter. See the prologue for the disclaimer.~  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS  
  
Chapter Four: How to Turn on a Computer  
  
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.  
  
Because Trelawney now had her job back, she and Firenze were alternating lessons. Trelawney taught one, Firenze taught one. And so on.  
  
Today the Gryffindor sixth-years had Trelawney.  
  
'Welcome,' said Professor Trelawney. Some of the mistiness had gone from her voice now, since she'd been fired last year. Professor Dumbledore had given her the job back, though, as she refused point-blank to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not that Dumbledore had ever asked her to take the DADA opening, though.  
  
Not even that she'd refused to take the DADA opening point-blank. She hadn't even thought of taking the job.  
  
... Forget it.  
  
Anyway.  
  
Sian couldn't keep holding her nose forever.  
  
Especially since they were doing something with miniature Christmas trees today. Even though it was nowhere near Christmas.  
  
'Select one tree from the shelf. Take it back to your table. Use the knife I have placed there to cut up the tree lengthwise into exactly three parts. Then select a cup – blue, preferably – and fill it with boiling water, which is over there.' Professor Trelawney pointed to the kettle thingy on her desk. 'Then take three individual mistletoe leaves and place them gently one by one on top of the water so they float.'  
  
'For once the instructions require at least half a brain to complete,' Sian muttered to Harry, still pinching her nose. He stifled a small snort of laughter.  
  
'Next you will gently poke them into the water so they sink, after leaving them for precisely thirty-two point three eight nine seconds. Slowly mix these around the cup five times, alternating hands with the right hand first, then turn the cup upside down on your saucer and wait until the water begins to overflow over the edge of the saucer. Wait for four drops to fall onto the table, then turn the cup right way up again and swill the leaves around – they should still be intact – twice with the right hand. Read the patterns in your partner's cup, as you will be foretelling their, undoubtedly dark and frightening (here she glanced at Harry), future. Please refer to page two hundred fifty-four in your textbook 'Unfogging the Future' for the correct interpretations.'  
  
A stunned silence followed this speech. Except, of course, for Parvati and Lavender. They had already selected two trees from the shelf and started cutting them up with painstaking precision.  
  
Dean Thomas raised his hand. 'Professor?'  
  
'Yes? You have a question?' said Professor Trelawney, turning to him.  
  
'Could you repeat that, please? I didn't quite understand it.'  
  
Professor Trelawney looked highly offended. Parvati and Lavender glared at him.  
  
Sian choked.  
  
'Bay I be excuzd?' she asked, raising her free hand, with the other tightly clamped over her nose.  
  
Parvati and Lavender reverted their angry gazes to her.  
  
'Yes,' said Trelawney stiffly.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
After Divination, Ron had predicted that Harry would soon be 'attacked by a herd of rampaging bulls'. Ron glanced at Harry's cup again and asked 'What the heck is a bull?'  
  
Jamie didn't have a partner, so she did her own prediction. She foretold her future as 'undoubtedly bright and sunny, with a few showers of rain here and there. Bring an umbrella out on September the eighth, October thirty-first, and December the second, as on those days, it will undoubtedly be raining.'  
  
'I think you're predicting the weather,' said Harry, overhearing Jamie's predictions.  
  
'Very badly, I might add,' said Ron.  
  
Jamie pretended to look highly offended, like Professor Trelawney.  
  
Harry and Ron almost let Professor Trelawney overhear them laughing. They just barely stopped themselves, luckily.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
REALLY AFTER DIVINATION THIS TIME  
  
Sian had opened the trapdoor just as the bell rang.  
  
Ron narrowly avoided squashing her head as he hurried down the ladder.  
  
'Oops! Sorry,' he said, as he almost shoved a foot into her face.  
  
Harry, however, did step on her head.  
  
Hopefully it was accidental.  
  
'GET OFF ME,' said a muffled voice angrily.  
  
'Oops.'  
  
'HARRY! GET YOUR KNEE OUT OF MY FACE!!!'  
  
'Okay, okay, fine!'  
  
Sian jumped off the ladder, making Harry fall off.  
  
'Ow.'  
  
'Sor-ry,' said Sian sarcastically.  
  
Harry raised his face from the floor and stuck his tongue out at her.  
  
Sian stuck her tongue out right back.  
  
They then proceeded to have a make-the-weirdest-face-you-can-until-someone- comes-along-and-yells-at-you-to-stop contest.  
  
Jamie rolled her eyes.  
  
'Okay guys, quit it,' she said. 'This is getting too weird.'  
  
Sian and Harry stuck out their tongues at her.  
  
Jamie rolled her eyes again.  
  
'Anyone up for lunch?' said Ron, joining them.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
'That was good,' said Ron, wiping the flecks off food off his face with the sleeve of his robe.  
  
Harry burped.  
  
'You two have the most disgusting manners I have ever seen,' said Hermione.  
  
'Tell me about it,' said Jamie.  
  
Sian made a face.  
  
'Did you get the email I sent you?' Hermione asked Jamie.  
  
'How do you use those things anyway?' said Ron.  
  
'It's simple,' said Sian. 'First you turn it on –'  
  
'How?'  
  
'What do you mean how?'  
  
'I mean how do you turn them on?'  
  
Sian facepalmed.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Harry, having a slightly better understanding of computers than Ron, showed him how to turn it on back in their dormitory.  
  
'Now what?'  
  
'We wait for it to load.'  
  
'Load?'  
  
'I mean, er . . .'  
  
'You don't know how to use it, do you?'  
  
'No more than you do, Ron,' said Sian, suddenly appearing in the doorway.  
  
'You're not supposed to be in here!' said Ron.  
  
Sian shrugged. 'So?'  
  
'Er . . .'  
  
'Look. Just wait for it to show everything on the screen it's supposed to show, then I'll teach you how to use it.'  
  
'Fine.'  
  
The computer finished loading.  
  
Jamie stepped into the dormitory. 'Hey, no fair! You got an Apple iMac! We only got a Windows 98 in our dorm!'  
  
'Hmm . . .' pondered Sian. 'Well if it's an Apple iMac then I haven't the faintest idea how to use it,' said Sian. 'Not really. I use Windows at home.'  
  
'I'll show you! My old school used iMacs,' said Jamie. 'And when I came here they JUST happened to have upgraded to newer iMacs! AND they'd finished building the swimming pool! And it's an indoor swimming pool too, with a view of the harbour!'  
  
'You hate swimming,' said Sian.  
  
'That's not the point,' said Jamie. 'Now what exactly do you want to do?' she said, addressing Harry and Ron.  
  
'Er . . .'  
  
'Use it,' said Ron.  
  
'I KNOW that, but how do you want to use it?'  
  
'Er . . .'  
  
'Oh forget it,' said Jamie. 'I'll just show you how to access your magi- mail account and the chat room.'  
  
'What?' said Ron, confused.  
  
'Just watch.'  
  
Jamie clicked on 'Netvigator Communicator 4.0' and an Internet browser instantly popped up.  
  
'This computer is WAAAAYYY faster than my computer at home,' commented Jamie, typing '; in the address bar. She pressed 'Enter', and the page instantly loaded.  
  
'WAAAYYYYYYY faster,' she said again.  
  
The page now showed a 'This page will be coming soon. This address has been recently reserved' thingy. Jamie raised an eyebrow.  
  
She typed a password (not into a text box, she just typed it, and no, I can't tell you what it is), pressed a certain combination of keys (which I can't tell you) and the real Hogwarts page loaded.  
  
'Just as an example, I'll log into my account,' she said, typing 'jc_gryff' into the username box. She entered her password and pressed 'Enter'.  
  
'I know your password!' said Ron triumphantly.  
  
'What is it?' said Jamie coolly.  
  
'It's –'  
  
''Password', yes,' said Jamie. 'Don't ask. It's just easy to remember, okay?'  
  
'But then anyone can log into your account,' frowned Harry. 'It's the first thing hackers type when they're trying to access someone else's account.'  
  
'That's what you think,' said Sian.  
  
'What d'you mean?' said Ron.  
  
'That's not actually true, you know,' said Jamie.  
  
'See,' said Sian, 'When hackers try to hack into someone's account, they usually think that the password 'password' is so stupid and easy to guess, that no one would use it.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'ANYWAY,' said Jamie. 'Here's how you check your mail.'  
  
'That looks almost identical to Hotmail,' said Sian, looking at the monitor.  
  
'That's probably what Hogwarts based its layout on,' said Jamie, clicking on 'My Messages'.  
  
'What's Hotmail?' Ron and Harry asked.  
  
'Don't ask,' said Sian and Jamie simultaneously.  
  
'Too late, we already did,' said Harry.  
  
END OF CHAPTER FOUR  
  
(A/N: By my standards, that was quite a long chapter. It's about five pages. Usually I only get up to four pages, on average.  
  
For some reason, I seem to think that people are more compelled to read author's notes if they're at the end.  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 


	6. Chapter Five: Potions Class, and Stuff

**HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED COMPUTERS**

CHAPTER FIVE: POTIONS CLASS, AND STUFF

_Continuing from last time…_

_'What's Hotmail?' Ron and Harry asked._

_'Don't ask,' said Sian and Jamie simultaneously._

_'Too late, we already did,' said Harry._

_

* * *

_

Jamie Fridge (A/N: Yes, my last name is 'Fridge'...in this story, anyway) decided to do something originally unplanned.

Closing the Netscape browser, she went to 'File' and clicked on 'Shut down'. (A/N: I haven't used iMacs for some time, and I can't exactly remember how to use them from memory when not faced with one.)

The computer began the slooooow slooooow process of turning off. Computers are always reeeeeaaaaally reeeeeaaaaally slooooow at shutting down, even if the computer IS a really really fast one, like the one in Ron and Harry's dormitory.

'What are you doing?' asked Ron.

'Yeah, I thought you were going to teach us how to use a computer,' said Harry.

'Uh. . .the computer needs a rest,' said Jamie, thinking fast.

'What?' frowned Harry.

'Um, yeah, because it was getting tired,' said Sian Blower (A/N: This is pronounced like...er...well, not like what it looks like) . Jamie nodded.

'Uh. . .okay,' said Harry. 'So, you want to go down the kitchens and grab a snack, then?'

'I'll go!' said Ron immediately, never one to pass up free food.

'Nah, I'll stay here,' said Jamie.

'Me too,' said Sian, glancing at Jamie.

'Suit yourself,' said Harry, shrugging, and walking out the door, Ron following and closing the door.

Once the door was closed, Sian and Jamie proceeded to hog the computer.

Sian tried to push Jamie off the chair and hugged the monitor.

Er. . ._hog._ Not _hug_.

'Oh. Okay. But still.'

Sian finally succeeded in kicking Jamie off the chair, and Jamie landed on the floor. Painfully.

And as some may know by now, it is not a very good idea to kick Jamie off a chair and make her land on the floor painfully.

'Ow!'

'Sor_ry_.'

Jamie got up. Sian was now sitting in the chair. Jamie kicked Sian. Sian kicked her back. Jamie flicked her. Sian flicked her back. This continued for some time until the computer finished loading, at which time Jamie pushed Sian out of the computer chair and Sian, who wasn't expecting it, as she hadn'tbeen paying attention to the computer, fell off. Now Jamie sat in the chair.

She moved the mouse and double-clicked on the 'Netscape Navigator 4.0' icon on the desktop. A browser popped up.

Sian had gotten up. She conjured a new chair, pushed Jamie over to the side a bit, and sat down. Jamie glared at her.

Then they started fighting over control of the mouse.

Sian wrenched the mouse from Jamie's grip and set it down firmly on the desk away from Jamie.

Jamie got up and went around Sian. Sian picked up the mouse and put it down in its original position.

Jamie walked back and sat down in her chair. Sian picked up the mouse again and put it down out of Jamie's current reach.

Jamie began one of her several-seconds-long meditations of the day. Sian reached for the keyboard.

Jamie opened her eyes and grabbed the keyboard back.

This is getting boring, isn't it?

Well, to make a long story short, Sian ended up conjuring an entire new set of computer accessories. Including the computer. And a desk.

Jamie looked at her, or rather the boys', computer, and looked at Sian's. Sian's looked somewhat newer, shinier, and –

'HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Jamie yelled. She had just realised that Sian now had a Power Mac G5! Jamie pointed her wand at the back of Sian's head.

'Back _away_ from the computer slowly. NOW,' she said.

'Why?'

'Because I want to use it.'

Sian turned around in her chair and blew a raspberry at Jamie.

'Petrificus Totalus!' Jamie shouted.

Unfortunately, Jamie not really having practised much with her wand with all the spells and stuff, Sian got to her first.

_I'm going to kill you,_ Jamie thought, glaring at Sian murderously. Sian stuck out her tongue at Jamie, knowing what Jamie was probably thinking, turned back to the Power Mac G5, and suddenly realised that they were late for class because at some point they'd fallen asleep and hadn't realised it and so it was already the next day and for some reason no one had come back. Well, she supposed Ron was with Hermione or something, she thought, trying to ignore the disturbing mental images that kept threatening to pop up in her head, Harry was...hmm...breaking curfew, and Neville had forgotten the password again, but she didn't know where Seamus and Dean where, but she didn't particularly care anyway, them not being really very important to the plot of the story.

Yes, anyway, they were late for class.

'Oh shi...ttake...' Sian's eyes widened.

Sian proceeded to quickly pack her stuff and perform a quick 'Finite Incantatem!' spell on Jamie, who did the same, except without the spelling part.

'What's first?' asked Sian.

Jamie shrugged and checked her schedule.

'Er...Potions.'

There was a short silence.

Sian swore.

'Yes.'

They looked at each other.

Sian managed to get out of the door before Jamie, being not so against physical exertion as Jamie was.

They were still late, though.

Sian almost had to take Professor Snape hostage before he gave Gryffindor's points back.

* * *

_You know, that Draco Malfoy doesn't look so bad,_ some random Gryffindor who was also in sixth year who may or may not be Sian thought. _In fact, he's kind of cute. Except, of course, that no one can EVER be as hot as Oliver Wood. Or was it Sean Biggerstaff? Meh, whatever. I can't remember right now. Too...distracted...by Draco's – um, Malfoy's – cuteness..._

(A/N: If the some random Gryffindor who is also in sixth year who may or may not be Sian is reading this, I have currently taken sick leave off school for the next few years and moved house without telling anybody where I went. This, I assure you, is for your own, mine coughmineespecially, and everybody else's safety. My current address is now Hogwarts, somewhere in Scotland or something, under Professor Dumbledore's office desk.

Oh shoot.)

'Blower!' someone yelled. Sian snapped out of her daydream and looked around to find that everyone was staring at her. She swore in her mind and cursed...well, everyone, basically.

'Yes, Professor Snape?' she said, directing her attention back to Professor Snape.

'Ten points from Gryffindor for failing to respond on the first call,' he snapped at her. 'Blower, what is the main ingredient of asphodel?'

Sian went like this. --> --"

Because the ingredients for creatingthe Draught of Living Death(A/N: Which is used in every single fic at _least_ once) were on the board behind him, and one of them was asphodel, and everyone knew that Snape insisted on writing only _pure, untainted_ ingredients for potions.

Sian struggled to keep a straight face and to keep her eyes from wandering in the general direction of Malfoy's smirk and not to flip him a rude gesture.

'Asphodel IS an ingredient, sir,' said Sian, also trying not to roll her eyes.

Professor Snape looked displeased. Probably because Sian had caught him out in his trick question, which really wasn't much of a trick because the answer was sort of written on the board anyway. Either way, he'd take points from Gryffindor anyway.

Which he did promptly, and right on schedule. 'Ten points from Gryffindor for being such a _know-it-all_,' he snarled, turning back to the board.

Luckily, Sian had a friend in fifth year who was a prefect who would gladly give those points back, and some points from Slytherin too.

Muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

* * *

(A/N: Hurray. I updated.

But it's not like anyone reads this anyway, or even bothers to review. -sniffs-

Review or die. Got it?)


End file.
